Performing Miracles

I was a flaming baal teshuva. Until I wasn’t. I had hit a wall. Yes, I continued to keep kosher and Shabbat and dress modestly, implementing what I had struggled to learn the previous 10 years. But in my heart, I didn’t feel the love of Torah, the light that had initially been sparked. I wasn’t chasing mitzvahs like I once had.

It’s hard for me to think about that version of myself now, as I sit here with Torah and personal growth books piled around me. Sending and receiving inspirational Shabbos messages to friends and family. A burning desire to serve G-d and goodness according to my own unique derech, or path.
I’m trying to recall a precise moment or experience that rekindled the flame — it’s actually brighter now, different, more grounded below and connected Above. I have discovered the magic of studying the words of Torah and the effect that they can have, and the power of grasping for them in the lower moments.
And I have learned the simple but powerful idea that all the help we need in this life has been prepared for us in advance, we just need to ask G-d for it in order to access it. As Rabbi David Ashear explains in his book Living Emunah, which I learn weekly with my Oorah TorahMate, when we pray with the recognition that the solution has already been arranged, our tefillos, our prayers, will be even more effective. Such a powerful idea, I have trouble fully grasping it. But I’ve been trying it throughout my day.
Hashem, please help me as I make this decision. Please get my daughter to listen to me. I know the solution to my problem is there awaiting me, please help me to see it. Sometimes the answer is immediate — like when I couldn’t find a certain book, I asked for help and then went straight to it. Other times I don’t get to see the obvious result right away.

I have also discovered I’m capable of miracles. We all are. Not the kind you might initially think of. I’m talking about the simple — but monumental — miracle of going against one’s own nature. Succeeding in overcoming that little voice that says things like, “My husband should have done that for me.” Or “I’m too tired to get up early. I really need more sleep.”

I truly realized the power of these internal battles while standing in my kitchen one recent weekday morning rewarming my coffee in the microwave after sending my children off to school. I was disappointed about something I had perceived and began to stew about it, the thoughts swirling in my mind. “I’ve been wronged, I told myself. I have a reason to upset.”

And then suddenly, this other voice I had been reading and hearing about for years began to surface. “Let it go,” this new, somewhat timid voice told me. “All is good. Be happy.” And as I let that more positive voice surface, its power grew. My body and mind relaxed. And it was good.

Over the course of the next few days and weeks, I continued letting this new voice win.

As our sages tell us, think good and it will be good. Everything G-d does, from stubbing a toe to losing a job, Rabbi Ashear says, is all orchestrated Above in an effort to protect and care for us, even when, especially when, we don’t fully understand how or why.

It’s all good. Recognizing that when you’re down is monumental, an everyday miracle capable of kindling, or rekindling, a soul.

One thought on “Performing Miracles

  1. Mindy, I love how you wrote that “it’s actually brighter now, different, more grounded below and connected Above.” I think all of us go through a stage where we need to learn to acquire that more mature, balanced approach to our spiritual growth. It’s not about giving up that seeking, searching part of us, but learning to become a bright shining star, always keeping our steady but brilliant light aglow, as opposed to fireworks, whose light awes with its power but then quickly burns out.
    A beautiful authentic piece from a beautiful authentic soul! Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

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