I was a flaming baal teshuva. Until I wasn’t. I had hit a wall. Yes, I continued to keep kosher and Shabbat and dress modestly, implementing what I had struggled to learn the previous 10 years. But in my heart, I didn’t feel the love of Torah, the light that had initially been sparked. I wasn’t chasing mitzvahs like I once had.
I have also discovered I’m capable of miracles. We all are. Not the kind you might initially think of. I’m talking about the simple — but monumental — miracle of going against one’s own nature. Succeeding in overcoming that little voice that says things like, “My husband should have done that for me.” Or “I’m too tired to get up early. I really need more sleep.”
I truly realized the power of these internal battles while standing in my kitchen one recent weekday morning rewarming my coffee in the microwave after sending my children off to school. I was disappointed about something I had perceived and began to stew about it, the thoughts swirling in my mind. “I’ve been wronged, I told myself. I have a reason to upset.”
And then suddenly, this other voice I had been reading and hearing about for years began to surface. “Let it go,” this new, somewhat timid voice told me. “All is good. Be happy.” And as I let that more positive voice surface, its power grew. My body and mind relaxed. And it was good.
Over the course of the next few days and weeks, I continued letting this new voice win.
As our sages tell us, think good and it will be good. Everything G-d does, from stubbing a toe to losing a job, Rabbi Ashear says, is all orchestrated Above in an effort to protect and care for us, even when, especially when, we don’t fully understand how or why.
It’s all good. Recognizing that when you’re down is monumental, an everyday miracle capable of kindling, or rekindling, a soul.