AND THERE WAS LIGHT

The word of G‑d brought everything into being: heaven and earth, mountains and rivers, and every living thing. In the beginning, G‑d called into existence the heaven and earth. Within six days He shaped a world of order and beauty.

On the first day, G‑d said, “Let there be Light” — and there was Light.

I sit here with my fingers on the keyboard. Outside the mass of blue-grey clouds gives way to pink as day pushes through. There’s a rim of glorious color and soft light peeking up and I know in minutes it will be gone.

So I’m not sure if I want to sit and watch it or share these thoughts that only the newness of a day can bring. It’s quiet and they haven’t yet been tainted.

Even these words feel stale, rote. 

I’ve written them or something like them before.

What I really want to share… and now I can feel my chest tightening and eyes filling with wetness…

Ah, the sky is even pinker now, even red. I’d call it a sunrise. But the sun didn’t budge.

It’s purple. Lavender. Peach. Ugh. These words are so finite. Perhaps these are new colors that have never been named. Even saying ‘it’s beautiful’ falls so short of its glory.

His Glory. Her Glory. 

Again I digress.

But maybe that’s all He/She wants of us. To love the sky. To see it and acknowledge its beauty. That soft ripple of light, a gliding bird, a swash of color so supple and soothing it causes a peace that nothing else can.

The sky is opening, light is filling in the gaps. The mass of blue-grey is now… well, the light has come in and changed everything. Drops, then more.

Now, well, you’ve likely seen a sunrise. So you know her beauty. 

And this gentleness comforts me.

Just days before I had literally cursed at my Creator. The pain I felt seemed endless, unbearable, a ripping away at the casing of my heart and soul. I feel silly now, sort of. As I felt then.

From where did the pain come and to where did it go? And why did it feel the need to pass through me? 

But it did. And I cried and screamed that He/She should help me. Or someone on this earth could help me. Why could no human help me bare the burden of this pain?

All these years, since the beginning of what I know as this life. The humans have been hurting me. Not intentionally, of course.

And usually not physically, other than a few shoves and slaps here and there.

I won’t go back now. But the pain in the now remembers. And I cursed this life and the giver of it. Where is my help? I won’t repeat here the expletives I used, as I’m humbled and sorry by my lack of faith. Even in the moment I knew that indeed redemption would surely come if I had patience. 

And now the sky is filled with pinks and love. A cool breeze sneaks in the sliding door and brushes against my wrist as I write. Keep going, She says. Tell them.

But I can’t. And now the tears are coming. 

I searched. It’s all I’ve ever done. So when you realize that you may have found something that could help ease the pain…

Of course, it’s within me. It always was. But I couldn’t get to it alone. 

And for some reason that perhaps I’ll never know, He/She waited until my 45th year here in this world. After 20 years of marriage and nearly 17 years as a mother. 

I brought the pain of previous generations with me here and passed it on. Though I fought like hell not to. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough or look in the right places. But I tried and tried… 

So those sweet souls I brought here will have to do their own searching and healing. Please G-d help them find their peace in an easier way than I’ve had.

…And she mentioned it as part of her own story. There’s a group…maybe they can help.

So there it was, just on the horizon. Just out of reach. I tried to find an in, a meeting, the right time and place. It wasn’t happening.

They’re all online now. At first it seemed like another disappointment.

And then I realized how vast my list of choices and times where. And from the comfort of my bedroom, looking out over the water that has brought me such joy, I entered a meeting.

12 minutes

I sat and listened. I cried. 

Yes, this these things sound like what I’ve been through. What I’m feeling. The burden I have carried so long that it seems like part of me. 

But it’s not part of me. 

Then as the meeting shifted, just as easily as I had come in, I left.

But I knew I was onto something. So I searched for other options. So many choices and times and codes and passwords. 

So I picked one. And I stayed.

For two hours I sat and listened. 

And with their stories, my burdens and pain started to dissipate. 

Like the blue-grey in the clouds now turns yellow-pink with the light of the sun. 

Their human words, directly from their hearts and Divine souls, helped me start to heal.

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